no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
