Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
