There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
