If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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