I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
