My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
