3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
