now i know why i became what i already was.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
