WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
