The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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