My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
