i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Swine flu is the new snow day.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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