I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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