Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(773): View more from Illinois

I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs

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(336): View more from North Carolina

They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?

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(406): View more from Montana

Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.

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(831): View more from California

Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

Atta girl.

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