wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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