I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
