At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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