I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
