i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
