see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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