I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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