After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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