I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
