You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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