It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
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