I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
