Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
