Got a toothbrush?
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
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