new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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