I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
