The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
