My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
