I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
people are starting to question the shark bite story
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
