does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
