i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
