I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
