He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
