Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
