rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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