i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
