I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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