They should really pass out barf bags in church
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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