and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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