i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Don't tell me you're on acid again
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
