9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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