Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
