I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
