His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Randomize
