I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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