I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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