Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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